The Dry Season.

I’m currently sitting in our downstairs bathroom with an open Bible and a dry soul. Honestly, it’s been this way for a while. I cannot tell you when the rain stopped but I can tell you that my soul is like a barren desert. I hear of other pastors who experience this and I didn’t even know I was here until today. I’ve been in pastoral ministry for 23 years and I’ve had the highs and lows one would expect in ministry.

But this is different. I have no joy, it’s like someone surprised me, held me down and repeatedly ran over me with a Dyson. Just sucked the joy right out of me. I don’t love ministry anymore, I confessed that to a friend the other day because I just needed to say it out loud.

I rarely get encouragement from anyone. I prayed for encouragement this morning and I’m hopeful The Lord will provide. I feel so down and lost.

My Substack is entitled “A Pastors Life - An honest look behind the pulpit.” This is an honest post, a real man struggling with all he’s ever known. The dark night of the soul is what I believe Spurgeon called it. Now there was a man who struggled with depression for the last half of his ministry. I’ve had people tell me that I’m not saved because I feel this way. I guess Christ’s blood is only sufficient when you’re happy.

It’s been a hard ten years at our current church. People treat pastors as door mats and we’re supposed to take it because “we’re the pastor”. I’ve been treated like a door mat by many over my ten years. We came to an already broken church who in turn took it out on the new guy. All of that adds up over the years. Yeah, you try to keep plugging away to make a difference for Christ in peoples lives but you realize that you cannot stop the bleeding. It’s hard to stop bleeding from a gun shot wound with a band aid.

This is just me writing out how I’m feeling today. I started my Substack because I needed an outlet for the pain of ministry. I know other pastors go through this but they’re afraid to be honest or vulnerable for whatever reason. I don’t blame them, you do you, I respect that.

I could keep you here with ten years worth of stuff but I won’t. We’ve had more bad happen than good though, I can promise you that. God calls you to a place and now you’re questioning that call. I want to be faithful and we’ve prayed and begged and screamed and cried and screamed some more at God to move us. God has been silent and I know someone probably has their own opinions about leaving churches etc. but God hasn’t “released” us yet from this place.

You hear all the evangelical mumbo-jumbo: If God brings you to it He’ll see you through it. God has a wonderful plan for your life. God won’t give you more than you can handle. Yeah, none of that helps when the lights are out and you’re trying to go to sleep. The dark night closes in and you’re not sure where to go from here or what to preach on because you’re trying to preach to people who have heard you for the last ten years. What are you going to tell these people that they haven’t already heard? Let’s be honest, they’ve heard it before I got here. Yeah, I’m struggling.

The more I talk to my friends in ministry the more I see that churches don’t want authenticity among their pastors. We (pastors) are struggling and hurting. We’re tired. It would be nice to be in a church where they are thoughtful towards their pastor and his family. Unfortunately congregations these days are like patrons in a buffet line - all take and no give. When the pastor has been consumed he’s gotten rid of and the process starts all over again. Because it’ll be different the next time.

Churches are afraid to be real. We’ve created a culture where people are afraid to walk the aisle because someone they’ve gone to church with their whole life will gossip about them. I could keep going but you get the point. Well I hope you do.

I probably won’t send this in an email to everyone because some Balaam’s ass will feel the need to “correct me” about my own experience. On a side note that just occurred to me: why do KJVO people not say “ass” when reading through Numbers 22? I mean it’s the true Word right?

So if you happen to stumble across this vent session or whatever you feel like it is some prayer would be greatly appreciated.

Until next time,

Scott