I heard the phrase “The Dark Night of the Soul” some time back. I cannot pinpoint the time frame exactly but the phrase spoke to me. I have been in a dry season spiritually for some time now. There has been no rain, no cool breeze, the well bucket hits a dry bottom. What is hard is for church goers or members or however you care to frame it to understand is that we pastors dry up. We give and give and neglect our own soul in return. We do not want to let God down or our congregations or whatever drives us so we just go with reckless abandon until we break. A lot of us do this, we are just not honest about it for fear of congregational reprisal or we are scorned by our colleagues for a “lack of faith” or something more heinous.
I’m broken. I know it. My wife knows it. My children know it. Now you know it. Sure, I watch sermons from pastors I like and I attend a local pastors group where we talk and vent - Side note: yes pastors vent about their members, you do it, and so do we so don’t act surprised - and pray together. But it is just not enough. Some person will say “Well Scott, who has moved you or God".” with a smug grin on their face. Well Mr. Smuggy Face if it was that easy I would’ve sauntered on back up to Jesus a long time ago and walked off hand in hand into the sunset together. Do I love Jesus? Sure do. Do I strive to obey Him everyday? Yes sir. Am I sinless? Nope. Do I confess my sin and repent? Yep. Is Christ far away? You bet. I know people reading this feel the same way. It’s okay, God still loves you. I know He loves me and I theologically know He is omnipresent, I just don’t feel His presence.
I have actually been told that I am not saved, that I would always have the true joy of Christ if I were really saved. I guess no one told Spurgeon huh?
Psalm 13 is in my face and on my heart every day and yet verses five and six are nowhere to be found. I reach for them, I want them, but they fade away when I look at them.
Everything is dry. Praying for rain.
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